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No More Mr. Nice Guy is a 2003 self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover. He describes what he calls the “Nice guy Syndrome.” This syndrome is a condition in men who appear to be always nice and try to avoid conflict.
In the first part of the book, Dr. Robert Glover describes what a Nice Guy is and how these Nice Guys operate. Unfortunately for the Nice Guys, their approach to life will prevent them from reaching their goals. In fact, their approach is likely to do more damage than good.
Later in the book, Dr. Robert Glover delves into the nitty-gritty and shows us how to eliminate Nice Guy Syndrome. Subsequently, Robert offers a healthier solution.
Dr. Robert A. Glover’s Perspective
Dr. Glover is an internationally recognized authority on the so-called Nice Guy Syndrome. He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been featured in numerous local and national publications.
Dr. Glover has helped thousands of Nice Guys transform themselves from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along with these personal changes, similar transformations occur in these men’s professional careers and intimate relationships.
Dr. Glover is the creator of Dating Essentials for Men and the director of TPI University. He lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
Have Higher Standards
Realistically, if you are too nice to people, at some point, somebody will take advantage of you. Guys who are too nice are frequently taken advantage of by both men and women. So, what do you do to stop this from happening? The answer is to have higher standards for how people should treat you.
For example, imagine you’re with a group of friends. One of these friends makes a joke about you, and everyone starts laughing. Banter is a natural part of male friendship groups, so it is normal. Now, consider if your friend kept making jokes about you every time you saw each other. In this instance, these jokes have gone from being lighthearted and fun to disrespectful. At this point, it is time to say something to him about it.
So, to stop being too nice, you have to set high standards for yourself and others’ behaviors. If the girl you like is always playing hard to get, you need to know your limit. If she persistently falls below your high standards, she should be cut off immediately. Apply these standards to all areas of your life. Plus, never tolerate any behavior that crosses the line or overly disrespects you.
Speak With Conviction
One of the fastest ways to tell if a guy is too nice is to pay close attention to how he says something. A guy who’s too nice tends to speak with little conviction or with no personality.
Speaking with conviction is speaking in a way that shows you know what you want. So, when someone asks you something, speak in a way that demonstrates this.
Stop Agreeing So Much
If you’re the guy who is always agreeing with people, simply practice purposefully disagreeing with other people. Even disagree with people about little things. For example, if a friend disliked a movie you enjoyed, you should challenge them. Ask them why they thought the movie was disappointing and raise counter-arguments for points you disagree with.
Stop Tracking Your Good Deeds
Tracking your good deeds is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. This can be one of the most significant sources of frustration for nice men.
Nice Guys will do something nice for someone, especially girls, and then keep track of that deed. This deed will be just one of the hundreds of other nice things they have done for people. Then, Nice Guys will secretly expect something in return. The attractive person that a Nice Guy might be trying to impress is not keeping track of these deeds. Instead, these people give without expecting something in return.
Tracking good deeds can be the cause of many problems for Nice Men. Anger is a common emotion associated with giving good deeds without people reciprocating. Additionally, it is common for Nice Guys to start to resent those people who do not repay their good deeds. This feeling of being indebted is not healthy and will only lead to negative emotions. Dr. Glover does not recommend we avoid good deeds, but instead, we do a good deed and then move on. We can enjoy the good deed at that moment, but we should not look back and use that as evidence for being indebted.
Don’t Hold Back
Nice Guys hold back despite their urge to say something. The foundation of this is that Nice Guys are scared of conflict and people not liking them. On top of this, they do not like showing who they genuinely are to people. Therefore, they filter their thoughts and keep quiet when they want to say something.
Holding back is a massive problem because avoiding expression and your true self will mean others will never actually know who you are.
A man who doesn’t hold back is much more of a man than one who is afraid to rock the boat. Fewer people might like the man who doesn’t hold back, but they will be liked for who they really are.
If you want to say something, then say it. Plus, if you want to do something, then do it. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of you, and don’t let this fear hold you back from simply being you.
“I define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn’t the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.” – Dr. Robert Glover
Stop Fearing Confrontation
Many guys allow girls, and other men, to walk all over them. They allow others to verbally control and dominate them because they are so scared of confrontation. Imagine a bully in school who was picking on a smaller child because he’s skinny and weak. What if one day, the kid finally stands up to him and fights back? The bully in school always looks for the easiest targets. Therefore, even though the skinny child is weaker than some children, being courageous enough to stand up to the bully will put the bully off. This courage makes this child a slightly more challenging target. The bully will move on to another Nice Guy.
Once you start embracing confrontation, even if it’s something as simple as not agreeing with other people’s opinions, you will see that it’s not that scary at all.
Embracing confrontation will make you feel more like a man than you’ve ever felt. Each time you engage in confrontation, you will be building your confidence in who you are. Not to mention, you are making yourself a more attractive man overall.
“List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.” Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.” – Dr. Robert Glover
Make Your Needs a Priority and Reclaim Your Personal Power
Realize that no one but yourself is responsible for meeting your needs. Stop blaming and start taking action. Be assertive about your needs, and get rid of any hidden agendas.
Never be a wimp and never act like a victim. It would help if you were even thankful for difficult situations. These circumstances are the ones that present a chance to grow as a person and learn for future circumstances.
Express your feelings, face your fears, set boundaries, and develop integrity. Don’t try to control uncontrollable things. Some circumstances will be too challenging or time-consuming to control, so you must be willing to walk away from circumstances and people. Don’t try to make a bad relationship work. End it and find somebody more suitable for you.
“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.” – Dr. Robert Glover
The Importance of boundaries
The common theme throughout this book is the importance of boundaries. As a recovering Nice Guy, this might be the most important factor. Boundaries are particularly relevant when considering your relationships with women.
Nice Guys often believe that not having boundaries, being overly tolerant, and accepting everything his partner does is a beneficial strategy for a relationship. Nice Guys often learn the hard way that this isn’t true.
You will need boundaries to strengthen the relationship. It is a need for you and your partner that can improve the relationship for both sides. Boundaries equal respect, and women desire a partner who sets boundaries. Therefore, incorporating boundaries into your life will create personal respect and improve your chances of developing a healthy romantic relationship.
The Integrated Man and His Woman
Dr. Robert Glover provides multiple tips on romantic relationships in this book. These tips cover the categories of sexuality and how to deal with women.
Robert recommends that you should focus on the relationship, not the partner. How does the relationship meet your needs?
Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy. Can you learn from the situations of struggles that you encounter together? Use your boundaries to stop your partner from engaging in undesirable patterns of behavior.
One of the common mistakes made by Nice Guys is to choose a partner who needs considerable support. These partners often need help and want somebody to fix their lives for them. Nice Guys are attracted to problems and want to fix their partners. These types of relationship will allow him to show the world what a good boyfriend or husband he is. The motivation behind this is always the approval of others. If you have ever been in an unhealthy relationship, you will know that this often stems from one partner seeking the approval of others.
“Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval.” Dr. Robert Glover
When it comes to sex, you will also have to change your mindset. This is easier said than done, but use the following guidelines can help you re-orient back to the best approach. Use these tips to work on better your chances of becoming an integrated male:
~Get rid of shame and fear about being sexual.
~Get your needs met: quantity and quality.
~Get comfortable being pleasured and ask for it.
~Never avoid conflict because you are scared to lose a sexual opportunity.
~Get rid of porn.
Glover’s premise is that Nice Guys have been conditioned by their childhoods and by society. They have been told that they will only be successful if they make everyone happy and don’t produce conflict. However, this desire for approval results in self-loathing. In other words, nice guys want approval, but don’t think they deserve it. This creates internal frustration since nice guys never try to obtain what they want in life.
Also, the nice guy’s desire to obtain approval from everyone (especially women) can cause him to behave in very un-nice ways. These behaviors include dishonesty (about themselves) and passive-aggressive behavior (being unavailable, forgetting, being late, or not following through).
Dr. Glover’s prescription involves encouraging Nice Guys to recognize that their needs and desires are essential. To make others happy, they must first learn to make themselves happy. One of the best ways to seek happiness is to learn to embrace and develop your masculine traits, instead of fearing and suppressing them.
- Understand that a nice guy ends up a loser. By being nice and friendly to everyone, you permit people to walk all over you.
- Understand that Nice Guys have the same wants and desires as assertive people. Nice Guys are nice as a form of manipulation. This manipulation is fueled by lacking the ability to persuade, intimidate, and battle for power successfully. Nice people are passive-aggressive.
- Nice people only appear to be nice to get something in return, instead of asking for what they want.
- Nice people don’t want others to know their mistakes and flaws. They’re afraid to fail, in case people criticize them. This causes them to stay as failures.
- Nice Guys appear loveable to women. However, they are not attractive. Subsequently, Nice Guys can often get angry at women because they don’t know how to pass their tests and get what they want successfully. This is why women don’t trust Nice Guys.
- Nice guys are jealous because they’re too passive to become successful.
- Don’t be afraid of conflict with men or women.
- Have boundaries with men and women.
- Accept and talk about your flaws. No one is perfect.
- When men don’t have a strong male role model growing up, they revert to being a Nice Guy. Nice Guys can also emerge due to female teachers, beta male teachers, feminism, and the female sexual revolution.
- Ask yourself questions like, “If I didn’t care what people thought about me, how would I live my life?”
- Never feel ashamed about your sexual desires.
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