We\u2019re scratching the surface here. If you don\u2019t already have the book, order it here<\/a> or get the audiobook for free<\/a> on Amazon to learn the juicy details.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This book provides a definition and framework for thinking about emotional intelligence, a quantitative tool to measure your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ), and 66 specific, practical steps you can take to improve your EQ. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors start by contrasting how important EQ is to success with how much attention we tend to give it. Here are some stats:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unlike IQ, you can substantially increase your EQ with effort. Because of our brains\u2019 wiring, it\u2019s a biological fact that our first reaction to any event will be an emotional one, but only 36% of people are able to accurately identify their own emotions as they happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So what exactly is EQ? According to the authors, \u201cEmotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n While the authors\u2019 EQ framework isn\u2019t incredibly complex, the graph they present for visualization is helpful:<\/p>\n\n\n\n People high in self-awareness understand what they do well, what motivates and satisfies them, and which people and situations push their buttons. This is the foundational emotional intelligence skill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The next component of EQ builds upon self-awareness. Per the authors, \u201cSelf-management is your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively.\u201d This involves your ability to put your immediate needs aside to focus on long-term goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Social awareness is the ability to recognize emotions in other people and understand what is really happening in a situation. In contrast to the natural tendency to think about what you\u2019re going to say next or try to anticipate what the other person will say, someone who is high in social awareness has a perspective much like an anthropologist\u2019s \u2013 objectively observing and understanding human behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The final and most complex part of EQ is relationship management \u2013 using your awareness of emotions to successfully manage your interactions, both in the moment and over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors provide a passcode in each book to access their Emotional Intelligence Appraisal so you can assess your strengths and weaknesses. The appraisal consists of 28 self-assessment questions in which you rate the frequency with which you exhibit certain behaviors (e.g., \u201cCan be counted on\u201d or \u201cDo things you regret when you\u2019re upset\u201d), from \u201cNever\u201d to \u201cAlways\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The advantage of the test is that it computes your answers, calculates a score from 1 to 99 for each of the four EQ components, and refers you the page of the book that talks about how to improve each area that represents a weakness for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was hoping for a more rigorous test with features such as identifying emotions in video clips, or collecting feedback from friends, family, coworkers, etc. It does give me some comfort that the creators of this test have worked with over 75% of Fortune 500 companies and are generally recognized as the world\u2019s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, but I\u2019m a bit skeptical of the accuracy of a test that relies on self-reporting. I\u2019m assuming that the test is intended solely to be a personal tool to more specifically identify strengths and weaknesses, rather than a comparable metric.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors then arm us with the following 66 tips for improving the various dimensions of EQ, which we can read in their entirety, then select specific ones to put into practice. You\u2019ll want to focus on only one EQ component at a time, and pick only a couple tips within that component to put into practice. If you try to simultaneously implement more than that, you probably won\u2019t be able to focus enough to recognize the relevant emotional patterns and create new habits. This is probably the most compelling reason to take the EQ appraisal \u2013 to be able to identify which specific focus is appropriate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Quit treating your feelings as good or bad.<\/strong> Judging your emotions prevents you from understanding them, adds more emotions to the pile, and keeps you from being able to see the cause of the original feeling. Understand, don\u2019t judge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Observe the ripple effect from your emotions.<\/strong> Recognize that when you act out of your emotions, the effects can be long-term, and on more than the person at whom you directed the emotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Lean into your discomfort.<\/strong> We tend to try to ignore or minimize unpleasant emotions, but this prevents us from understanding those emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Feel your emotions physically.<\/strong> Learn to spot the physical changes that come with your different emotions, and you\u2019ll be able to better understand what you\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Know who and what pushes your buttons.<\/strong> This needs to be specific \u2013 identify the exact people, situations, and environments that trigger your emotions by rubbing you the wrong way, and make a list. This will then allow you to determine the source of your reaction to these things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 6. Watch yourself like a hawk.<\/strong> Develop a more objective understanding of your behavior by taking notice of your emotions and behaviors as a situation unfolds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 7. Keep a journal about your emotions.<\/strong> Because emotions are such an intangible subject, you\u2019ll need to write things down in order to understand them better, identify patterns, and track progress. It will also later help you to remember your tendencies in the moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 8. Don\u2019t be fooled by a bad mood.<\/strong> A bad mood can overshadow all your emotions, so you need to recognize when it\u2019s the emotional state that\u2019s affecting you rather than an individual emotion, and go through the same process to identify what caused the mood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 9. Don\u2019t be fooled by a good mood, either.<\/strong> You should also seek to understand why your good moods happen, both for the sake of understanding your emotions better, and to avoid the harm that can come from a good mood (irrational exuberance, for example).<\/p>\n\n\n\n 10. Stop and ask yourself why you do the things you do.<\/strong> Your emotions will alert you to things you never would know otherwise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 11. Visit your values.<\/strong> Contrasting your values with the way your emotions compel you to act is a helpful exercise to increase your self-awareness. Take a piece of paper and write down your values in one column, and anything you\u2019ve done recently that you\u2019re not proud of in a second column. The authors suggest doing this somewhere between daily and monthly in order to keep it in your mind before you react in a way you\u2019d regret.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 12. Check yourself.<\/strong> Your physical appearance always gives good clues about how you feel. Observe your facial expressions, body language, clothes, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 13. Spot your emotions in books, movies, and music.<\/strong> Art that you identify with can offer further clues about your emotions. Consider which of these things grabs your attention, and ask yourself why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 14. Seek feedback.<\/strong> Because your understanding of your emotions is limited by your one perspective, getting feedback from others is invaluable. Ask others for specific examples and look for similarities in different people\u2019s answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 15. Get to know yourself under stress.<\/strong> Learn to recognize your personal physiological and emotional first signs of stress, and take the time to rest or recharge before that stress piles up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Breathe right.<\/strong> Oxygen goes first to your body\u2019s vital functions, then to complex functions that help you stay calm. Learning correct breathing techniques and consciously focusing on it when you\u2019re stressed is simple and often-repeated advice, but it is crucial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Create an emotion vs. reason list.<\/strong> Make a habit of creating a list whenever your emotions and reasoning are in conflict, with your emotions on one side and rational reasons on the other. Use the list to identify which emotions aren\u2019t valid considerations, and which ones offer important cues that your reason may have missed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Make your goals public.<\/strong> Because most self-management is a matter of motivation, by making your goals public you can harness the motivation of the expectations of others. Share the right goals with the right people who will keep you accountable for each one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Count to ten.<\/strong> Use this basic self-management trick to re-engage your rational mind when necessary. You can do something else like take a drink to get the same effect and give yourself those few moments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Sleep on it.<\/strong> When you don\u2019t know what to do, time will often give you clarity by allowing emotions to run their course and settle down before you make a decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 6. Talk to a skilled self-manager.<\/strong> Ask a skilled self-manager about his or her self-management processes in order to gain insights to modify your own behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 7. Smile and laugh more.<\/strong> Because changing your external expression can influence your internal mood, forcing yourself to smile can counteract a negative mood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 8. Set aside some time in your day for problem-solving.<\/strong> Simply put 15 minutes on your schedule to stop the flurry of activity and emotion, and take time to think without the disturbance of your phone or computer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 9. Take control of your self-talk.<\/strong> The average person has about 50,000 thoughts per day, each of which triggers chemical reactions in your brain that influence your emotions and behavior. You usually don\u2019t notice this, but you can improve your self-management by identifying negative self-talk (I always, I never, I\u2019m an idiot, it\u2019s their fault, etc.) and replacing it with healthier thoughts (sometimes I make that mistake, I accept responsibility, etc.).<\/p>\n\n\n\n 10. Visualize yourself succeeding.<\/strong> Because your brain reacts the same way to visualizing something as it does to you actually experiencing it, visualization is a simple but powerful tool to prime yourself for success. Take the time each night before you go to bed and visualize yourself acting the way you\u2019d like in situations that you\u2019ve had difficulty with in the past, or might have difficulty with the next day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Refer to my summary of Napoleon Hill\u2019s Think and Grow Rich<\/a> for more on the importance of visualization, and the specifics of the practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 11. Clean up your sleep hygiene.<\/strong> You need 20 minutes of natural morning sunlight each day to reset your biological clock. Avoid caffeine after breakfast (caffeine stays in your system for 12 hours), screens for two hours before bed (the blue light prevents production of hormones needed for sleep), and activities such as working or watching TV in bed (which prevent your brain from cuing your body to sleep when you\u2019re in bed).<\/p>\n\n\n\n 12. Focus your attention on your freedoms, rather than your limitations.<\/strong> Take accountability for what you can influence in any situation (such as your own attitudes and reactions), instead of worrying about things beyond your control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As mentioned in my summary of Stephen Covey\u2019s first habit in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People<\/a>, the more you focus on what you can influence, the more you will find you are able to influence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 13. Stay synchronized.<\/strong> If your body language doesn\u2019t match the situation, it\u2019s a sign that your emotions are out of whack. Be aware of your body language and use it as a cue to address your emotions when necessary. Refer to What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro<\/a> for a primer on decoding and leveraging body language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 14. Speak to someone who is not emotionally invested in your problem.<\/strong> A second opinion can be invaluable, but only if the other person doesn\u2019t have their own emotions about a particular situation. Find the right people to be sounding boards for the right situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 15. Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you encounter.<\/strong> The key here is in the mindset; if you are looking to learn a valuable lesson from everyone you interact with, you will be in a mindset that makes you more flexible, open-minded, and relaxed. Always be asking yourself what you can learn about yourself or others from others\u2019 behavior, and you\u2019ll experience negative emotional reaction much less frequently.<\/p>\n\n\n\nChapters 1 & 2: Defining Emotional Intelligence and Why It\u2019s Important<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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Chapter 3: A Framework for Understanding, Measuring, and Improving EQ<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.getstoryshots.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/10\/EQ-Framework.png\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nChapter 4: Measuring EQ & Creating a Plan to Boost It<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Chapter 5: Self-awareness Strategies<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Chapter 6: Self-management Strategies<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n