Come As You Are Book Summary | Emily Nagoski

“Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” is a book that explores the latest research on sexual desire and how it impacts our relationships. Author Emily Nagoski argues that society’s expectations and messages about sex often lead to misunderstandings and frustration, and that the key to a healthy and satisfying sex life is understanding and accepting our own unique desires. Nagoski covers topics such as the biology of arousal, the role of emotion and communication in sex, and the impact of stress and other external factors on desire. Through personal anecdotes and scientific research, Nagoski provides practical tips and strategies for enhancing intimacy and improving communication with partners.

1. Desire is fluid and can change over time: Nagoski explains that sexual desire is not a fixed trait and can vary based on a variety of internal and external factors. These factors may include age, hormonal changes, life circumstances, relationships, and personal experiences. Nagoski encourages readers to be open to new experiences and to communicate with their partners about what they want and need in order to have a healthy and satisfying sex life.
2. Society’s messages about sex can be harmful: Nagoski discusses how societal expectations and messages about sex can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. For example, messages about the “perfect” body or the “right” way to have sex can create unrealistic expectations and pressure. Nagoski encourages readers to challenge these norms and embrace their own desires, rather than trying to conform to society’s expectations.
3. Arousal is not the same as desire: Nagoski explains that arousal and desire are two separate processes that can be influenced by different factors. Arousal is the physiological response to sexual stimuli, while desire is the emotional and psychological desire to have sex. It is common for people to experience one without the other, and Nagoski encourages readers to understand this distinction in order to have a healthy and satisfying sex life.
4. Emotions play a crucial role in sexual desire: Nagoski discusses the role of emotions in sexual desire, explaining that positive emotions such as love, trust, and affection can enhance intimacy and arousal, while negative emotions such as stress, anger, and fear can inhibit desire. Nagoski encourages readers to pay attention to their emotions and how they may be affecting their sexual desire, and to work on managing and regulating their emotions in order to improve their sex lives.
5. Communication is key to a healthy sex life: Nagoski emphasizes the importance of communication in building trust, enhancing intimacy, and understanding one’s own and one’s partner’s desires. She provides tips and strategies for improving communication with partners, such as using “I” statements, asking open-ended questions, and being open to feedback.
6. Stress can impact desire: Nagoski explains that stress can have a negative impact on sexual desire by increasing levels of the stress hormone cortisol and decreasing levels of testosterone, which can reduce arousal. She suggests strategies for reducing stress, such as practicing relaxation techniques, engaging in physical activity, and seeking support from loved ones.
7. Pleasure is a human right: Nagoski argues that everyone has a right to sexual pleasure and encourages readers to prioritize their own pleasure in their sex lives. She discusses the importance of consent and communication in creating a pleasurable and safe sexual experience.
8. It is normal to have different levels of desire: Nagoski discusses the concept of “desire discrepancy,” in which partners have different levels of desire for sex. She explains that this is a common issue in relationships and provides strategies for addressing it, such as understanding and respecting each other’s desires, finding compromise, and seeking help from a therapist if needed.
9. Sexual desire is not the only aspect of a healthy sex life: Nagoski encourages readers to consider other aspects of sex, such as intimacy, connection, and pleasure, in addition to desire. She discusses how these elements can enhance the overall quality of a sexual experience.
10. It is important to prioritize self-care: Nagoski emphasizes the importance of self-care in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life. She suggests strategies such as taking care of physical and emotional well-being, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion. Nagoski encourages readers to prioritize their own needs and well-being in order to have a fulfilling and satisfying sex life.

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