Use the Secrets of the Male Mind to Find, Attract and Keep Your Ideal Man
Introduction
Get the Guy reveals the secrets of the male mind. The fundamentals of dating and mating complement these secrets. The outcome is an approach to helping women find lasting relationships. Relationship coach, Hussey, guides readers through every stage of finding a successful relationship. Starting with tips to improve yourself, the author covers every detail of courting – from your first glimpse across the room to the mind games of the chase.
About Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey is a British dating expert, YouTube personality, and author. He started his career as a life coach with individual clients in London’s coffee shops. He now runs programs across the globe designed to help clients transform their lives. Hussey’s private clients have included directors of major Fortune 500 companies and celebrities. He is a Cosmopolitan columnist and Today Show dating expert. He has even lectured at Oxford University to the Department of Neuroethics.
StoryShot #1: Put The Odds In Your Favor and Don’t Leave Your Love Life to Chance
Finding the right guy is a game of chance. Most women do not play this game, as they meet too few men. Expecting that finding the right guy will “just” happen is a flawed view that will limit your chances of finding romance. So, drop this mentality. Instead, prioritize building a lifestyle which allows you to meet more men. Also, give as many men as possible a chance to become your man.
StoryShot #2: Be A Woman Of High Value
Getting the guy starts with yourself. Search for a man of high value. That said, understand that men are searching for women of high value too. So, if you want to get the guy, you also have to maintain a high personal value. Men will have their personal preferences in women, so high value can vary person by person. There are certain traits present among all high-value women. These traits are
- Self-Confidence: Certainty is the primary attribute of high-value women.
- Independence: Get a life before you get the guy.
- Integrity: Sticks to your principles.
- Femininity: Don’t stop being a girl.
Let’s dive deeper into these qualities one by one.
Self-Confidence
The first high-value trait Hussey describes is confidence. Standards of physical beauty change. Self-confidence, a knack for creating fun around her, and the ability to be sexually alluring are qualities that make any woman beautiful. High-value women are confident in their beliefs, wants, and own personal values. They ensure they clearly explain their needs to others. They also know when their needs are not being met and will react accordingly. For example, a high-value woman knows when she needs to walk away from a relationship because her partner is not meeting her needs. This knowledge of their needs also allows high-value women to see right through superficial examples of value. Looks, money and high status are never sufficient to impress a high-value woman.
Women with low confidence struggle to focus on finding people who can meet their needs. Instead, they focus on doing things to please others because they are uncertain about what they want. Although this approach might work momentarily, a confident man will always lose interest in an uncertain woman.
Independence
A high-value woman values independence and self-reliance highly. She leads a life she likes and is involved in significant pursuits that inspire passion in her every day. As a high-value woman, you won’t be searching for a man to fill a hole in her life. You’ll make wiser choices if you live a fuller life.
Men love independent women. They want to be a part of her wonderful life, but they are also not concerned that she would grow overly reliant on them.
Integrity
Integrity is about holding yourself to a standard, even if it’s challenging. Knowing your standards and being completely comfortable with them is a sign of integrity. A woman of integrity does not compromise her beliefs simply to gain approval from others.
Having integrity makes you trustworthy. When a man trusts you, he will listen more intently and recognize that what you say is genuine. Integrity communicates to a man that he can rely on you to uphold your values.
Femininity
“Don’t stop being a girl.
There, I said it. I realize I may be entering a minefield, but I might as well get it out of the way. I’m not talking about gender equality here, or your right to work as a firefighter for the exact same pay as a man, or the need for men to help balance the division of labor by pitching in and doing more vacuuming and diaper changing.
Femininity and issues of equality have become so confused that it feels hazardous to even have the conversation. But I want to clear up some common misconceptions. I often hear women comment on how being strong and independent is intimidating to a guy. This might be true sometimes, but as we’ve just discussed, any man worthy of your attention and affection is looking for those very qualities. However, that doesn’t mean that you need to lose your femininity at the same time. In fact, I will say that your biggest strength may well be your preternatural ability to be a woman! We are living in a time when women make up a larger percentage of the workforce than ever before. You are financially independent, because many of the cultural and social barriers preventing women from gaining parity have broken down. Women no longer need men to provide and protect. Through all of these incredibly positive advancements, men and women seem to be confused about how this shift in roles affects notions of masculinity and femininity. However, one thing remains as true as it ever was: the thing that a man finds attractive, on a fundamental level, is a woman’s femininity. Regardless of who’s bringing home the bacon or dropping the kids off at day care, men are hardwired to respond to the feminine in women. And if we’re being completely honest, the reason this is so is because we men need women to help us feel masculine. You can call it yin and yang, or two pieces of a puzzle.”
– Matthew Hussey
Every man should have the impression that he offers something that women can’t live without. He doesn’t have to take this literally. He must, however, experience it emotionally. It satisfies his innate desire to provide and protect. This does not require him to be the primary provider. A man is not required to give financially just because he is born with the instinct to do so. The truth is that men are emasculated when they believe they have nothing to offer. The masculine ego is difficult to mend once it’s been damaged.
The high-value woman is self-assured and independent, but she also has the knowledge and self-awareness to recognize (and gladly admit) that there are some things that only a man, her man, can bring to the table. Of course, she might hang out with her friends in a pub and chant, “We don’t need men!” But in reality, she doesn’t think it’s true.
A man does not perceive you as sassy and self-sufficient when he hears that you do not need him and that you are capable of doing “everything” yourself. He just feels useless because of it. No man can stomach the concept of being with someone who doesn’t need him.
Therefore, the issue of femininity functions as the foundation for these qualities. A confident, independent woman recognizes how crucial it is to demonstrate her need for her man in other ways. He will feel the thrill that appeals to the provider in him if you greet him when you arrive home from work, embrace him tightly, give him a wonderfully sensual kiss, and say, “I truly missed you today.”. He knows you’re strong, but you still need him.
“I rarely deal in absolutes. We’re all individuals, and relationships are mutable and fluid. But I do have one hard and fast rule. If you’re ever out on a date, whether it be the first or the hundredth, and you’re strolling along, the breeze picks up, it seems as if the temperature is dropping, and the guy offers his jacket, just take it.
You might not be cold. You might be enjoying the breeze on your arms. You might think the guy’s jacket is unspeakably hideous. Just take it.
Don’t say, “I’m fine, thanks.”
Don’t say, “I’m a little cold, but you must be too.”
Don’t say, “No, really, I’m fine.”
Just. Take. The. Friggin’. Jacket. Whether you are cold or not.
Let him come to your rescue. When he offers you his jacket, this isn’t his
attempt to be patronizing. This is your guy wanting to feel like he’s able to serve you. This is what makes him feel like a man. Men live to serve women on a level that most men will never admit to and most women will never understand.”
– Matthew Hussey
StoryShot #3: Get a Social Life that Serves Your Love Life
The most efficient way of improving your social life is to say yes to every invite. If you adopt this approach, people will perceive you as more fun. On top of this, you are increasing your chances of encountering high-value men. Social experiences are the most important for improving your love life and making yourself a more rounded and interesting person.
Adopt certain behaviors when you are within social situations. The most important behavior is “working the room”. So, as you enter a social environment, stop and stand. Take in your environment and see the other people with whom you will interact. Stopping at the entrance of this social environment will also allow others to notice you.
Finally, adopt an “owner mentality.” This mentality is based on an experience Hussey had with a club owner he met who appeared confident and in control. You should act as if you have ownership over your life and decisions. Confidently believing that you have control over your life outcomes will give off a vibe that you are self-confident.
StoryShot #4: Adopt The Mindset of A Chooser
The biggest female misconception is that men will come up and talk to a woman if they like them. The reality is that men who really like you will find it considerably harder to come up and talk to you. Building on this, Hussey explains that the men who are most likely to approach you are those who approach most women. This probably only accounts for 1% of the population, and it is unlikely these are high-value men. So, instead of waiting for this 1% to come and superficially talk to you, you must adopt the mindset of a chooser.
How to Approach Men
The first step towards becoming a chooser is learning how to approach men rather than waiting for them to approach you. Follow these steps to start a conversation the right way:
- First, look at the man for no longer than half a second. Then, wait a little and look for a second time. During this second glance, smile.
- After grabbing his attention, make it easier for him to talk to you by getting closer to him.
- Be “easy” for the first ten seconds of the conversation. This is the only time in your interactions with men that you should be easy. Give them ten seconds to impress. Give him a chance.
Besides the three steps, asking for a favor or immediately testing the man grabs his attention.
Asking for a favor will play on the man’s ego. If he can help you, it will make him feel like a provider. For example, ask him to hold your drink or hat for a second while you find your friends.
Testing a man will also play on his ego. Hussey offers the example of asking a man what type of drink they think you should order. Your response should then differ based on his choice. You can either tell him, “Great, you passed the test”, or, “That’s a shame, it would never work between us.” Both responses will spark some interest. The first response builds his ego, while the second response offers a challenge. So, this man will then want to prove that things could work between you.
Seed the Date
As well as being shy about approaching a girl they like, men will also be shy about asking them out on a date. Despite this, Hussey doesn’t suggest you outright ask to go on a date with him. Instead, you should “seed” the date. Seeding a date involves planting ideas in the man’s head that encourage him to make a move towards asking you on a date. For example, you could say something like, “All my friends have been telling me to try this bar.” If you plant this seed, then you create more opportunities to suggest a date. With the example provided, they will probably say they haven’t been to the bar themselves. So, you can explain to them that you must be the only two who haven’t been there yet and should go together.
StoryShot #5: Do Not Play Hard to Get
Attraction is a subjective concept. But it is possible to create a formula out of the subjective components that it is always based on:
Attraction = Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection
Each of these factors combines to create what an individual is subjectively attracted to. So, aim to build on these components if you want to get the guy.
Some relationship gurus believe men love the chase, so playing hard to get will keep them interested. Hussey argues that playing hard to get is a terrible long-term strategy. The type of man that enjoys the chase is often the type of man who lacks insight. This is not the type of man you want in your life.
StoryShot #6: Don’t Withhold Sex for Too Long
Like his views on playing hard to get, Hussey also believes you should not wait for a set number of dates before having sex. Adopting this approach will lead to your focus being on playing games. This takes your focus away from the most important thing about finding a partner, which is building a connection.
So, instead of worrying about how many dates you have, try to notice when you make an emotional connection. This should be the point where you consider having sex with him. Men often seek validation through sex. So, try to avoid waiting too long before having sex with a man you are interested in. That said, some men will get overly emotional or persistent when you deny sex, as you are not emotionally ready. These are called “only for sex guys” and are not right for you. If this happens, you shouldn’t date them again.
Premature Obligation
Try to avoid feeling obliged to have sex with a man. Although you shouldn’t wait too long, the right man won’t mind waiting for sex if you do so tactfully. For example, suppose he calls you late at night for a booty call. You shouldn’t deny him but suggest an alternative.
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StoryShot #7: Why Hasn’t He Called?
There are misconceptions surrounding why a man might not have called you yet. People assume this means you intimidate him, he fears commitment or is only after sex. The real reason is probably that there’s no chemistry or that you are being:
- Too nice and provide no challenge
- Boring
- Too aggressive
- Too desperate
- Trying too hard to impress or
- Too negative
StoryShot #8: Keep the Guy by Being The Woman Of His Dreams
The most effective way of keeping the guy is by being the woman of his dreams. Here’s how:
- Let him know you’re attracted to him. Your man should know that you derive complete sexual satisfaction from him.
- Make him feel unique and that you would choose him no matter what.
- Make him feel like the protector and that you need him. You become a high-value woman by being independent. That said, you must also give him a chance to add value to your life. If you do not allow him this, then you are emasculating him.
- Support him and make him feel you believe in him.
StoryShot #9: There Are Two Values That Determine If He’s Mr. Right
Two values determine the success of a long-term relationship:
- Growth
- Teamwork
There’s not much long-term potential if you don’t share these two values. If you have these two in common, you can overcome difficulties and differences.
“When you are in need, does he look for ways to help you? Or does he retreat?
It’s less important that he figures out the exact ways to make you happy than that he’s making a concerted effort. Because you are a team, you can guide him along the way. What’s important is that he possesses the underlying value that makes him want to make you happy. You can work with him on steering his approach – this is the work of being in a relationship – but you can’t create the intention behind it.
One word of caution: the shared values of growth and teamwork are most likely to contribute to a successful relationship when the two of you share values, and the standards for them are similar, if not the same. If you meet a guy with wildly different values, no amount of trying is likely to mould him into the man you want him to be.”
– Matthew Hussey
StoryShot #10: There’s A Better Way to Get A Guy to Commit Long-Term
As a high-value woman, you should not only aim to attract high-value men but also keep them. Despite this, long-term commitment relies on you not giving too much too soon. Hussey provides an example from his own life. Once, he told a girl that he would not commit. Despite this, not long after, he found himself committed to this woman. The reason for his change of mind was how this woman reacted to him dismissing commitment. She played it cool and lowered him in her list of priorities. Hussey started to enjoy her company more and more, which led to him committing to the relationship.
Final Summary and Review of Get the Guy
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As a man and relationship coach, Hussey has insight into how a woman can get the guy. The core message of this book is to become a woman of high value. A high-value woman has high self-confidence, knows what she wants, and gets out there to improve her chances of finding the right man.
Standards of physical beauty change over time. That said, self-confidence, a knack for creating fun, and being sexually alluring will always be beautiful.
Rating
We rate this book 4.2/5.
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