The Way of the Superior Man Summary & Infographic | David Deida

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

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Introduction

Do you feel you are failing to reach your full personal and professional potential? “The Way of the Superior Man” aims to guide you on how to navigate modern love, intimacy, spirituality, and work. 

Despite what the title might suggest, this book is not only for men. Like the rest of Deida’s works, The Way of the Superior Man aims to help people of all genders and sexual orientations live to their full potential. Deida defines a man as a “person with masculine energy” and a woman as a “person with feminine energy”.

You don’t need to be either a King Kong macho man or the modern-day, androgynous “Mr. Nice Guy” – as Deida puts it. Instead, you can become a better, more evolved man, or person with masculine energy. Accept your inner masculine and feminine energies, so you can take charge of your life and become a better person.

Deida understands the evolution of gender as a three-stage process. Until fairly recently, modern roles for men and women were fixed and separated. Then came a stage in which men and women both sought to balance their inner masculine and feminine energies toward 50/50. This is the stage most of us are in or are working towards. In the third and final stage, Deida suggests we now aspire to embrace both masculine and feminine. But now we should not hold on to either of them. We should also accept the contrast and enjoy the compatibilities between masculine and feminine traits.

The book is divided into three parts, each focusing on a different aspect of the “way” of the superior man. The first part discusses the importance of living a life of purpose and meaning. You learn tools and techniques for finding your true purpose in life. The second part focuses on relationships. It covers topics such as communication, intimacy, and navigating the balance of masculine and feminine energies in relationships. The final part discusses the importance of spiritual growth and offers guidance for developing a spiritual practice.

About David Deida

David Deida is a renowned spiritual teacher and bestselling author. He claims to have transformed the spiritual and sexual growth of men and women worldwide. Deida has written 10 books throughout his life, all of which have been published in 25 languages. Many of his essays, articles, audio tapes, and books are required reading in universities, spiritual centers, and men’s and women’s groups worldwide. 

Deida’s popular books include The Way of the Superior Man, Finding God Through Sex, Blue Truth, and the autobiographical novel about unconventional spiritual training, Wild Nights. 

The Watkins Review has listed Deida among the world’s most spiritually influential people every year since 2011.

Deida has designed and developed an amazingly effective program of transformative practices that address spiritual awakening in the mind, body, and heart. He has taught and conducted research at UC San Diego Medical School, University of California, Santa Cruz, San Jose State University, Lexington Institute, and Paris Polytechnique. He is also a founding associate of the Integral Institute.

StoryShot #1: Learn a Man’s Way

A man (or someone with masculine energy) traditionally lives their life in a certain way. As you might have deduced, this way is very different from a woman’s way (someone with feminine energy).

However, you need to forgo some of the traditional aspects of living “like a man.” They hold you back from living fully and reaching your potential. Let’s look at some of the key changes that Deida suggests you should make. 

Accept Your Feminine Side

If you have masculine energy, also accept your more feminine side. Living with an open heart is good and welcoming, despite the possibility of getting hurt. Throw aside the idea of “boys don’t cry.” Instead, accept your emotions, and let them out when needed. By accepting your emotions, you also learn how to live life with love. You should live life the way you should make love – to magnify love, openness, and depth.

Identify Your Purpose

Living life to your potential goes one step further. You need to accept who you are, by knowing what your “why” is. Once you’ve established your true purpose, hold onto it. Do everything in your power to achieve your purpose. If necessary, restructure your life around your “why”. Shift your life around your purpose, rather than shifting your purpose around your life.

Live up to your potential, not below it.

Stop Hoping to Complete Anything in Life

Most men think they will be able to fix their issues with women. Don’t let yourself become preoccupied and overwhelmed with relationship issues. Don’t let them hold you back. Your challenge is to interact, engage, and show love to the present moment while giving your own unique gifts. 

Instead of waiting for the perfect time, spend at least one hour a day doing what you love now. Do this in spite of having to fulfill your daily duties that seem to limit your time. You probably find that your own excuses prevent you from being creative and giving to your fullest.

Accept that life is ongoing and that things never end. Instead of hoping to complete anything in life, live in the moment. Accept that there will always be new challenges to face and overcome.

If a relationship truly is unacceptable, then leave. If it is simply distasteful, remember that it will always appear this way. Stop trying to change the things you don’t like about her. Instead of trying to fix your woman, show her love. Learn to laugh during the never-ending issues. Accept that it is always going to be a challenge. 

Live as If Your Father Were Dead

Deida encourages you to live as if your father were dead. By this, he means do not live in anyone’s shadow. You are your own person, with your own “why” and “edge”. 

While you’re living your life to your full potential, you should also remember to accept criticism. Deida explains that it’s in a woman’s nature to be hurt by it, but a man should take it in his stride.

Know Your Real Edge and Don’t Fake it

You need to admit your fears and resistance. It is not honorable to pretend to be more enlightened than you are or to stop short of your true edge. Consider how your fears are preventing you from making a greater impact, earning more money, or using more creative methods to make money. 

Some men try to avoid feeling fear. They lead a safe but unfulfilling life. You must recognize your edge and choices. Be honest with yourself and others about them, and confront your fear. 

Don’t Do Things Just to Please a Woman

If a woman changes your perspective, make a new decision based on that. Always listen to your woman, but make your own decisions. If you go against your wisdom and adopt her suggestion, that weakens you and reduces her trust in you. If you listen to her and make your own best decision, it shows that you are acting from your core.

Your Purpose Must Come Before Your Relationship

Identify your highest purpose in life. Align your life to that purpose, rather than sacrificing it for a relationship. If you are unaware of your mission, your core will be unsatisfied and your presence with your partner will suffer. Express your love for your woman, but emphasize that your mission must come first. Don’t postpone your mission to spend time with your woman. Instead, focus on your own tasks, and make sure the time you do spend with her is quality time. Give your woman 30 minutes of undivided attention and love instead of a few hours of your weak and divided presence.

Don’t Get Lost in Tasks and Duties

Refresh your life with meditation and retreats. Always be present in the tasks you do. If you were to die now, would your last moment be one of gratitude or love? Ask yourself this question often. 

Relax into the mystery of life and ensure that your tasks are liberating and supporting your life. 

StoryShot #2: Learn to Deal with Women

Of course, you cannot live life without taking into consideration the aspect of a partner. Whether it’s a woman or a partner with feminine energy, The Way of The Superior Man gives insight on how to deal with them.

Deida argues that your purpose should come before any relationship, even romantic ones. By placing your purpose below your relationship, you “cheat your woman of an authentic man.” Stop hoping your woman or partner will become easier to deal with. A challenging partner is a good partner. They will encourage you to reach your full potential.

This does come with a caveat. Love your woman wholly and accept her challenges, but tolerating her “moods” is never good. Tolerating these leads to resentment later.  

To love your woman wholly, remember a few simple things: 

• Women aren’t liars. Understand that their truth is based on their emotions at that moment. This can be challenging.
• Don’t analyze your woman. The feminine’s moods and opinions are like weather patterns. Accept that they are inconsistent, and that stormy weather passes eventually.
• Praise her. Feminine partners grow with praise. Conversely, people with masculine energy thrive when challenged.
• Don’t suggest that a woman fix her own emotional problem. Like the ocean, women can be pure energy and motion and “flow in every direction” without analyzing all the options. Deida claims that unlike men, women will never “fix” anything by analyzing the “problem.” One of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is to “relax and surrender, knowing that her man is taking care of everything.” Create an environment in which she is allowed to be her true self. Let her prioritize love over purpose and decision-making. This will unleash her energy, and her happiness will overflow. 
• Stay with her intensity to a point. To truly honor a woman’s emotions, a man needs to be strong, present, and loving. Recognize that the energy of the feminine core is meant to be expressed and respected, not fixed or contained.
• Don’t force the feminine to decide. When your woman asks you for your input, don’t say, “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

StoryShot #3: Work with Polarity and Energy

To reach your highest self, you need to consider the polarities and energies of the feminine person you want in your life. Deida argues in essence that opposites attract.

Choose a partner wisely. Deida suggests that love is a very simple equation. There is an attraction dynamic between masculine and feminine people. Therefore, it’s important to choose someone who is your complimentary opposite.

To work with the polarity and energy between masculine and feminine components, you must recognize the following:

• Your attraction to the feminine is inevitable. If you’re a masculine person, you need to accept that you will find more feminine people attractive. And vice versa. Allow this attraction to flourish. A man must accept and embrace his own natural attraction to feminine energy. It can fill him with delight, even if the woman is not physically attractive.
• Choose a woman who is your complimentary opposite. If a man is very masculine by nature, he will be attracted to a very feminine woman. If a man is more feminine by nature, he will be attracted to a more masculine woman.
• Know what is important in your woman. The feminine is the force of life. The more masculine a man is, the more important his woman’s feminine energy will be to him. Functional roles in life are important. But they must not replace the spiritual and sexual energy necessary to keep the relationship vibrant and fulfilling.
• You will often want more than one woman. Any man with a masculine sexual essence will desire sexual variety, but acting on such desires often creates more trouble than it’s worth.
• Each woman has a “temperature” that can heal or irritate you. Some women are hotter, some are cooler. Your needs for different temperatures of feminine energy may change over time, so understand how they affect you.

StoryShot #4: Know What Women Really Want    

Deida claims to understand the deep needs of women. He thinks these needs are very different from what women say they want. At the heart of his belief is the idea that masculine and feminine people have different “languages.” Instead of trying to dissect these languages, Deida advises us to understand the true meaning beneath. 

Her Complaint Is Content-Free 

Regardless of their complaint or mood, women always want divine masculine presence in a man.  

Their complaints should be heard as warning bells. However, men should not believe the literal content of their complaints. The main difference in language revolves around your feminine partner’s complaints. Their complaints are “content-free”, meaning they’re indicators of mood, rather than truth. See the “outbursts” and differences as tests. Respond with love.

She Doesn’t Really Want to Be Number One

Despite her requests, a woman doesn’t want  to be your first priority. Women, and people with feminine energy, desire a partner who takes the lead and places their purpose above all else. This way they can achieve what they truly desire – relaxation – while you take the lead in all aspects.

Your Excellent Track Record Is Meaningless to Her

The feminine responds to the energy of the moment, forgetting the man’s history of past behavior. To enable a woman to relax into her feminine energy, a man must take charge. He must also be financially and spiritually stable, and show certainty and direction in his life. 

She Wants to Relax in the Demonstration of Your Direction

The more relaxed your woman is in her feminine, the more radiant she will be. You must relieve her of the necessity to be in charge in all aspects of life.

A man must be financially and spiritually stable for his woman to feel secure and relaxed. He must also show accountability and certainty. A man should strive to create an environment in which his woman can trust him and relax into her feminine energy.

StoryShot #5: Embrace Your Dark Side

Everyone has a dark side. In your quest to become your true self, it’s important not to lose track of it. Instead, embrace it. Your dark side is highly desirable to women.

If you don’t own this darkness within you, you eventually weaken your masculine capacity. This, in turn, reduces your ability to face the unknown and love your partner effectively. Let’s explore Deida’s conclusions about your dark side. 

You Are Always Searching for Freedom

Masculine freedom is held back by the fear of death. A masculine man must be willing to confront death in order to experience true spiritual freedom. A feminine woman seeks to be filled with love and avoid emptiness.

If a man disowns his dark masculine desire for freedom, he weakens his masculine capacity to face the unknown and to love. When you cannot express your dark passions with love, they go underground in your psyche. You fantasize about controlling and dominating women in unloving ways.

For a man to be able to fully ravish a woman and experience spiritual freedom, he must be willing to confront his own fear of death. He must also yield to the worship and trust of her heart.

She Wants the “Killer” in You

If you hear strange noises downstairs in the kitchen and ask your woman to go check it out, she will not become excited by your masculine valiancy. She wants to feel that you are capable of facing death, if necessary.

She Needs Your Consciousness to Match Her Energy

A man must be able to meet his woman with consciousness equivalent to her energy. You should neither avoid nor overexpress any areas of your masculine capacity.

Your woman will test your capacity to transform her anger into passion and learn to tolerate her tension. Ultimately, her challenges will help you understand how to embody fearlessness and strength of love. Your woman knows your weaknesses. She will continue to test you until your consciousness is unperturbed and she can feel the full power of your love.

StoryShot #6: Understand Feminine Attractiveness

The Way of The Superior Man goes into detail about what makes the feminine so attractive to the masculine:

• The feminine is abundant. There will always be an abundance of feminine energy in women. But some women resist receiving, trusting, and embracing their femininity. Deida encourages everyone to embrace their feminine energies, as life itself is feminine.
• Allow older women their magic. Younger women express the kind of feminine energy that men desire. But do not overlook the feminine attractiveness of older women. Older women are wise and powerful and should be encouraged to express their “magic.” 
• Turn your lust into gifts. When a man sees a beautiful woman, he should breathe fully and circulate his heightened energy throughout his body. He should treat it as a gift which could heal and rejuvenate his body, and, through his service, heal the world. If you are like most men, your sexual energy goes to your head and genitals. A superior man circulates his energy throughout his body.
• Never allow your desire to become suppressed or depolarized. If a man denies his desire for the feminine, it is a sign of his depolarization toward the world. A woman will feel his rejection and become angry and destructive. Act on your desires and attraction to women or feminine people, rather than bottling them up. However, when acting on these desires, you need to understand that her appearance is only one part of her attractiveness.

A good woman is a source of inspiration and attraction into the world for a man. But never forget that neither the world nor your woman is the purpose of your existence.

StoryShot #7: Improve Your Body Practices

Because the sexual aspect of relationships is important, learn how you can be better at it. Deida claims that conscious body practices can improve your sex life and help you meet your partner’s needs. 

Ejaculation Should Be Converted or Consciously Chosen

Convert your ejaculation into non-ejaculatory, whole-body, brain, and heart orgasms. There are many physical and spiritual reasons to do this, but there are also relational reasons. When a man ejaculates easily, he creates ongoing distrust in his woman. If you don’t control your ejaculations, you can’t and won’t meet your partner’s needs.

Breathe Down the Front

Breathe calmly, with feeling and intent. This forces you to keep your body open, freeing attention from neurotic self-concern.

How does this help with the physical aspect of a relationship? Deida explains that through this breathing technique, you can “convert” your ejaculation. Breathing this way contracts your pelvic floor, drawing energy up the spine. The resulting orgasm is rejuvenating and transformative.

Ejaculate Up the Spine

Most men ejaculate to release stress. But the superior man’s orgasm explodes up his spine and into his brain, raining down through his body like an ambrosial bliss of rejuvenation.

When men begin to have sex, they repeat the same sequence they learned while masturbating, involving genital stimulation, mental fantasy, building up tension, and ejaculating. To realize the full potential of sex, try the following:

• Undo habits learned while masturbating as a teenager. Take control of your ejaculation by practicing relaxation.
• Redirect your attention. Focus on your partner’s sensations rather than your own. Practice deep breathing and pelvic floor exercises to redirect ejaculatory energy.
• Surrender to love during sexual embrace. 
• Practice feeling through and beyond sensation, to relax and fill your whole body.
• Circulate energy healthily to rejuvenate and remove edges.

StoryShot #8: Know Men and Women’s Yoga of Intimacy

Deida’s “yoga intimacy” details the last set of instructions to becoming a superior man. You’re encouraged to understand your own and your partner’s needs and desires. These are different, based on your energies.

Take into Account the Primary Asymmetry 

The more masculine energy a person has, the more important their mission in life is to them. But the more feminine a person is, the more important and intimate a relationship is to them. To have a successful relationship, both partners need to accept this primary asymmetry.

Because of this asymmetry, each partner’s role is different in a relationship. A man is responsible for a woman’s mood, openness to her femininity, and depth of love. A woman‌ is responsible for her partner’s bodily energy. Deida believes that the direction and growth of a relationship solely land on the man’s shoulders.

Insist on practice and growth, both for yourself and for your partner. Inspire your partner to walk the road that best serves her growth and happiness, too.

Restore Your Purpose in Solitude and with Other Men

A man rediscovers his purpose in solitude, in challenging situations and in company with other men. Women strengthen their feminine radiance in mutual celebration and play. It is important for men and women to arrange for their own restoration.

If you’re struggling with your purpose, surround yourself with like-minded people. As well as tending to the traditional male need for solitude, embrace your femininity through socializing. Women flourish when in the company of like-minded women. Seek out friends who have the same goals as you‌.

Practice Dissolving

A man’s greatest desire is to be released. In all aspects of your life, release yourself without fear. Embrace every moment of experience as a lover and trust whatever direction love moves you.

Final Summary and Review

The Way of the Superior Man is a thought-provoking self-help book for men and those with prevailing masculine energies. It offers a unique perspective on masculinity and encourages readers to embrace what Deida argues is their true nature as men, rather than trying to conform to societal expectations or expectations of others. 

One of the strengths of the book is its focus on living a life of purpose and meaning. Deida encourages you to explore your passions and find true purpose in life. This is an important message, as many men struggle to find direction and meaning in their lives.

The book also offers advice on relationships, covering themes of communication, intimacy, and the balance of masculine and feminine energies. 

Deida provides guidance for developing a spiritual practice and encourages you to seek a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you.

Rating

We rate The Way of the Superior Man 4.1/5.

How would you rate David Deida’s book?

Infographic

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Editor’s Note

This piece is an unofficial summary and analysis. It was first published in 2021. It was updated and rewritten on 18 March 2023.

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