The 5 Love Languages Summary & Infographic | Gary Chapman
The Secret to Love That Lasts
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Introduction
Do you feel loved? Do you think you’re giving the kind of love your partner needs?
The language of love is extremely complex. We all experience love in different ways and have different emotional needs. In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman outlines how we all have our own love language. Each of us has a specific emotional need that needs to be satisfied so that we can feel loved. Therefore, in each romantic relationship, we need to understand our partners’ love language better. Strong relationships can last when both partners understand each other’s love language.
The 5 Love Languages was first published in 1992 and has since become a bestseller, with millions of copies sold worldwide. It explains there are five love languages that we use to express and receive love. These are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each person has a primary love language. Understanding and speaking this language can greatly improve relationships.
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About Gary Chapman
Gary Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. He is best known for The Five Love Languages series. However, he is also a prominent Christian. He is currently the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
He was born in China in 1938, where his parents were missionaries. He got his undergraduate degree from Moody Bible Institute and his graduate degree from Wheaton College. He worked as a pastor and a counselor for many years. Then he wrote The 5 Love Languages. The book became a bestseller and launched his career as an author and speaker.
Chapman has written other books on relationships and communication. These include The 5 Love Languages of Children, The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, The 5 Love Languages of Apology, and The 5 Love Languages: Military Edition. He has also written several books on marriage and parenting.
“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
— Gary Chapman
StoryShot #1: Love Is a Human Need
Love is a universal goal for humans. No matter our backgrounds, societies, or preferences, we all want to experience love. However, what is unique to each individual is the type of love that complements their emotional health. What love means to you is related to what gives you emotional fulfillment. This is why we claim to love people, but also activities and items.
We are all fueled by love. Without love, our emotional needs will be left unmet, and we will struggle to enjoy the other parts of our life. For example, a marriage without love will make it difficult to enjoy other parts of your life. Chapman provides an example of a client who struggled with this exact dilemma. His client was wealthy, but material possessions could not fulfill his emotional needs. He was still miserable as his wife didn’t love him anymore.
StoryShot #2: Communication is the Solution to Relationship Challenges
Relationships will always have a honeymoon period. However, this feeling will eventually fade. Therefore, your relationship must be built on a foundation of sound communication.
The stages of love can show us how relationships have to adapt with time. The first phase of love is characterized by attraction and is called the in-love phenomenon. These experiences are obsessive. You instinctively want to spend all your time with this other person. However, this phase is underpinned by our evolutionary drive to reproduce. Therefore, this initial phase is clouded by irrational judgments rather than rational thought. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov studied lots of couples and found most relationships only last two years. After our in-love phenomenon wears off, we struggle to maintain our romantic relationships.
It is possible to overcome the period when the in-love phenomenon wears off. The fundamental tool for doing this is communication. Humans have emotional needs that obsessive love cannot accommodate. Gary explains how true love is based on changing your attitude and thinking about others’ needs. To have a successful marriage, talk openly about your expectations and emotions with your partner.This is what true love is about.
StoryShot #3: Understand Your Partner’s Love Language
Love is unique to each individual. Therefore, people feel and express love differently. Based on this, understanding your partner’s love language is vital for your relationship’s health. Understanding your partner’s love language will take time and effort; however, it is essential for all partners. Even long relationships can end when partners don’t understand each other’s love language. Although partners share many habits, partners will not share the same love language. Hence, it is common for partners to co-exist happily for years. Then, one partner realizes the other has misunderstood them completely.
StoryShot #4: Use Words of Affirmation to Express Love
Compliments are crucial in relationships. The Greek philosopher Xenophon referred to this when he said, “Praise is the sweetest of all sounds.” These words are as valid today as they were thousands of years ago. Words of affirmation will help your love flourish.
Provide verbal compliments to your partner as often as possible. However, you do not want these compliments to be overwhelming. It is better when these compliments are simple and straightforward. You want them to be natural and part of your everyday relationship.
You should be easily able to identify areas where your partner excels. This might be in their childcare, how they appear on a specific day, or how well they perform at work. However, suppose you are struggling with articulating these thoughts. In that case, you can use newspapers, magazines, or TV episodes to identify how others use words of affirmation to support their partners.
Words of affirmation can also benefit you—words of affirmation function well as requests. Requests in isolation sound like demands; however, if you sweeten a request, your partner will be more inclined to help. The author provides another example of a client where this approach was successful. The client had been asking her husband to paint their bedroom for nine months. Chapman suggested she stop complaining about him being lazy and start complimenting him for being productive. Merely three weeks later, her husband started painting their bedroom without even being prompted. Verbal compliments are a much more effective incentive than making criticisms.
StoryShot #5: Quality Time is Time Well Spent
It is essential for your relationship that you spend quality time with your partner. In the modern age, we all tend to get distracted by technology. But every time you prioritize technology over your partner, you decrease the love in your relationship. As humans, time is one of our most valuable commodities. Therefore, taking time away from your other passions to spend time with your loved one will be well received.
The word ‘quality’ in quality time is key. Spending time together in the same room is not the same as focusing on each other and nothing else. Spending time together without distractions will help both of your emotional needs to be met. Gary uses the examples of watching a football game together or staring at a computer as poor quality time. Instead, you should be engaging in top-quality conversations and activities.
Top-quality activities are things that both partners want to be doing. The more often you spend quality time together, the more memories you will have to look back on. Examples of sufficient quality time are strolling in a park, gardening, or preparing a meal together.
StoryShot #6: Surprise Your Partner With Gifts
Gifts are visual symbols of love. These symbols are even more effective when they are surprises and occur regularly. It does not matter how expensive these gifts are. It is often a cliché, but it is the thought that counts.
Gift-giving is a common activity across all cultures. It is particularly attached to marital practices in all countries. Some partners will be receptive to gifts and will regard them as part of their love language. They will regard any gift as an expression of true love.
Although partners will often view gifts as an act of love, it is also important that the gifts are of a high quality. Therefore, you should keep track of the presents that you brought your partner the most joy over the years. Then, you can use this evidence to guide your future gift-giving. Each person is unique in how they like to receive gifts and what type of gift they like to receive. The value of gifts is not in the monetary value. Instead, the value lies in the idea of giving a gift, the process of buying or making it, and how the gift is presented.
Chapman describes how he saw a couple: Doug and Kate. Doug had previously regularly provided gifts for his wife, Kate. However, he had suddenly stopped because it cost too much. This decision had a significant impact on Kate, as her love language included an understanding that gifts were a sign of love. Therefore, she was not having her emotional needs met. Chapman explained to Doug that these gifts didn’t have to carry monetary value. Subsequently, Doug provided Kate with random gifts of affection. These gifts worked equally well as expressions of his love for her.
StoryShot #7: Express Your Love Through Work
One of the best ways to express your love for your partner is to do useful things. Try to think of the tasks that your partner doesn’t like doing. If they dislike doing the washing up, you should offer to do this as often as possible. Going out of your way to alleviate your partner of laborious tasks shows you care for them. However, it also shows you understand the tasks they dislike. These acts are far more powerful when you or your partner have not been asked. Therefore, instead of asking your partner for favors, you should ask your partner what favors you can do.
One of the necessary changes you have to be willing to make is related to traditional gender roles. You should be willing to do whatever chores your partners would like help with. This might mean men have to cook, and women have to fix a shelf.
Chapman once met a man named Mark. Mark was raised in a conventional family where his father did not lift a finger in the house. His dad saw such tasks as women’s work and couldn’t imagine himself cleaning the floors or changing diapers. Conversely, Mark appreciated how important it was to his wife Mary that he lend a hand around the house. So, he let his gendered stereotypes go.
StoryShot #8: Physical Touch is a Powerful Sign of Affection
Research has shown that children who receive physical affection tend to have better emotional health. This suggests how important physical touch is for love.
Suppose your partner’s primary love language is physical touch. In that case, you should engage in actions like holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse. For the latter, you must learn what your partner enjoys. You can ask them what they find pleasurable and tailor your behaviors to their pleasures. It is critical in relationships that both partners learn what the other individual finds pleasurable. One way to consider new concepts to incorporate in the bedroom is by reading up on sexual techniques. It is an excellent idea to experiment, but you should always check your partner is comfortable.
StoryShot #9: Identify Your Own Primary Love Language
Everybody has their primary love language. Therefore, you will have one too. Here’s a specific way of identifying which type is your primary love language.
- Ask yourself what you most often request from your partner. It is often the case that you are asking for something as it fulfills you emotionally.
- Consider what comes to mind when you want to feel genuinely appreciated. Which of these love languages do you think of first?
- Additionally, you can identify your love language by thinking of times when your partner’s behaviors have hurt you. For example, when they have not done something or failed to understand you. Suppose you have been upset by your partner withdrawing one of these love languages. In that case, that is likely your primary love language.
- Your upbringing can also help you better understand which love language is likely your primary one. Try to remember how your parents or carers helped you feel loved while you were growing up.
“Love can be expressed and received in all five languages. However, if you don’t speak a person’s primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four, and they will be like icing on the cake.” — Gary Chapman
Final Summary and Review
Gary Chapman, a pastor, speaker, and author, is known for his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. There are five ways in which people express and receive love. These are known as love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each person has a primary love language, which is the way they feel most loved and appreciated. Understanding and speaking someone’s primary love language can greatly improve relationships.
Love is key in our lives, and communication plays a crucial role in healthy relationships. True love goes beyond initial attraction and being in love. It involves understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs. This is done by using their primary love language. To effectively express and receive love, it is important to continuously learn about and understand one’s partner. This can be done through open and honest communication, as well as paying attention to how one’s partner responds to different forms of love.
Chapman also discusses the stages of love and how relationships adapt over time. The initial phase, known as the “in-love” phenomenon, is characterized by attraction and a strong desire to spend time with one’s partner. However, this phase is not necessarily a reliable foundation for a long-term relationship. In order to have a good relationship, you need to communicate well and understand each other’s feelings.
Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages suggests that love is a universal goal for humans. Understanding and speaking someone’s primary love language can greatly improve relationships.
What is your primary love language? How about your partner’s? Take this quiz and tag us on social media to tell us if you have found this summary of The 5 Love Languages useful!
Rating
We rate The 5 Love Languages 4.3/5.
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Editor’s Note
This piece was first published in April 2021.
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