The Secret to Love That Lasts
Life gets busy. Has The 5 Love Languages been on your reading list? Learn the key insights now.
We’re scratching the surface with this 5 Love Languages summary. If you don’t already have Gary Chapman’s popular book on love and relationships, order your copy or get the audiobook for free to learn the juicy details.
Introduction
Do you feel loved? Do you think you’re giving the kind of love your partner needs?
The language of love is extremely complex. We all experience love in different ways and have different emotional needs. In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman outlines how we all have our own love language. Each of us has a specific emotional need that needs to be satisfied so that we can feel loved. Therefore, in each romantic relationship, we need to understand our partners’ love language better. Strong relationships can last when both partners understand each other’s love language.
The 5 Love Languages was first published in 1992 and has since become a bestseller, with millions of copies sold worldwide. It explains there are five love languages that we use to express and receive love. These are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each person has a primary love language. Understanding and speaking this language can greatly improve relationships.
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About Gary Chapman
Gary Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. He is best known for The Five Love Languages series. However, he is also a prominent Christian. He is currently the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
He was born in China in 1938, where his parents were missionaries. He got his undergraduate degree from Moody Bible Institute and his graduate degree from Wheaton College. He worked as a pastor and a counselor for many years. Then he wrote The 5 Love Languages. The book became a bestseller and launched his career as an author and speaker.
Chapman has written other books on relationships and communication. These include The 5 Love Languages of Children, The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, The 5 Love Languages of Apology, and The 5 Love Languages: Military Edition. He has also written several books on marriage and parenting.
“Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to our spouses. We cannot erase the past. We can only confess it and agree that it was wrong. We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If I choose justice and seek to pay her back or make her pay for her wrongdoing, I am making myself the judge and her the felon. Intimacy becomes impossible. If, however, I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love.”
— Gary Chapman
StoryShot #1: Love Is a Human Need
Love is a universal goal for humans. No matter our backgrounds, societies, or preferences, we all want to experience love. However, what is unique to each individual is the type of love that complements their emotional health. What love means to you is related to what gives you emotional fulfillment. This is why we claim to love people, but also activities and items.
We are all fueled by love. Without love, our emotional needs will be left unmet, and we will struggle to enjoy the other parts of our life. For example, a marriage without love will make it difficult to enjoy other parts of your life. Chapman provides an example of a client who struggled with this exact dilemma. His client was wealthy, but material possessions could not fulfill his emotional needs. He was still miserable as his wife didn’t love him anymore.
StoryShot #2: Communication is the Solution to Relationship Challenges
Relationships will always have a honeymoon period. However, this feeling will eventually fade. Therefore, your relationship must be built on a foundation of sound communication.
The stages of love can show us how relationships have to adapt with time. The first phase of love is characterized by attraction and is called the in-love phenomenon. These experiences are obsessive. You instinctively want to spend all your time with this other person. However, this phase is underpinned by our evolutionary drive to reproduce. Therefore, this initial phase is clouded by irrational judgments rather than rational thought. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov studied lots of couples and found most relationships only last two years. After our in-love phenomenon wears off, we struggle to maintain our romantic relationships.
It is possible to overcome the period when the in-love phenomenon wears off. The fundamental tool for doing this is communication. Humans have emotional needs that obsessive love cannot accommodate. Gary explains how true love is based on changing your attitude and thinking about others’ needs. To have a successful marriage, talk openly about your expectations and emotions with your partner.This is what true love is about.
StoryShot #3: Understand Your Partner’s Love Language
Love is unique to each individual. Therefore, people feel and express love differently. Based on this, understanding your partner’s love language is vital for your relationship’s health. Understanding your partner’s love language will take time and effort; however, it is essential for all partners. Even long relationships can end when partners don’t understand each other’s love language. Although partners share many habits, partners will not share the same love language. Hence, it is common for partners to co-exist happily for years. Then, one partner realizes the other has misunderstood them completely.
StoryShot #4: Use Words of Affirmation to Express Love
Compliments are crucial in relationships. The Greek philosopher Xenophon referred to this when he said, “Praise is the sweetest of all sounds.” These words are as valid today as they were thousands of years ago. Words of affirmation will help your love flourish.
Provide verbal compliments to your partner as often as possible. However, you do not want these compliments to be overwhelming. It is better when these compliments are simple and straightforward. You want them to be natural and part of your everyday relationship.
You should be easily able to identify areas where your partner excels. This might be in their childcare, how they appear on a specific day, or how well they perform at work. However, suppose you are struggling with articulating these thoughts. In that case, you can use newspapers, magazines, or TV episodes to identify how others use words of affirmation to support their partners.
Words of affirmation can also benefit you—words of affirmation function well as requests. Requests in isolation sound like demands; however, if you sweeten a request, your partner will be more inclined to help. The author provides another example of a client where this approach was successful. The client had been asking her husband to paint their bedroom for nine months. Chapman suggested she stop complaining about him being lazy and start complimenting him for being productive. Merely three weeks later, her husband started painting their bedroom without even being prompted. Verbal compliments are a much more effective incentive than making criticisms.
Rating
We rate The 5 Love Languages 4.3/5.
How would you rate Gary Chapman’s book? What’s the top insight you learned here? Comment here to let us know.
Editor’s Note
This piece was first published in April 2021.
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