A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
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No More Mr. Nice Guy is a 2003 self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover. He describes what he calls the “Nice guy Syndrome.” This syndrome is a condition in men who appear to be always nice and try to avoid conflict.
In the first part of the book, Dr. Robert Glover describes what a Nice Guy is and how these Nice Guys operate. Unfortunately for the Nice Guys, their approach to life will prevent them from reaching their goals. In fact, their approach is likely to do more damage than good.
Later in the book, Dr. Robert Glover delves into the nitty-gritty and shows us how to eliminate Nice Guy Syndrome. Subsequently, Robert offers a healthier solution.
Dr. Robert A. Glover’s Perspective
Dr. Glover is an internationally recognized authority on the so-called Nice Guy Syndrome. He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and featured in numerous local and national publications.
Dr. Glover is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Washington. He works with individuals and couples to identify the symptoms of the Nice Guy Syndrome.
He leads therapy groups and seminars around the country and is the co-director of the Center for Healing and Recovery.
Not only that, but he has transformed thousands of “Nice Guys” from passive, bitter victims into empowered men. As well as personal changes, these men also undergo changes in their professional careers and intimate relationships.
Dr. Glover founded Total Personal Integration (TPI) University in 2012 to better help men and women put their intention into action.
Do you avoid conflict and try to please others at all costs? Does the approval of others make you feel best? Are you trying to convince women that you’re different from other men? If so, you might be a Nice Guy. A Nice Guy believes being passive and pleasing others will make them happy. A Nice Guy struggles to get his needs met because he does his best to ignore them. This leads to a lot of resentment or rage.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a bestselling self-help book by Dr. Robert A. Glover. He describes what he calls the “Nice Guy Syndrome.” This syndrome is a condition in men who appear always to be friendly and try to avoid conflict.
In the first part of the book, Dr. Glover describes what a Nice Guy is and how these Nice Guys operate. Unfortunately for the Nice Guys, their approach to life will prevent them from reaching their goals. In fact, their approach is likely to do more harm than good.
Later in the book, he delves into the nitty-gritty and shows us how to eliminate Nice Guy Syndrome. Afterwards, he offers a healthier solution.
StoryShot #1: Reclaim Your Personal Power and Masculinity
If you have Nice Guy Syndrome, it’s usually because you were forced to give up some of your personal power as a result of your childhood circumstances. You may have grown so used to making that sacrifice as an adult that you’ve locked yourself into a career or relationship that fulfills that expectation. But it may lead you to feeling frustrated, helpless, and resentful. You feel more out of control when you approach life with the coping techniques you developed as a child.
So, how can you reclaim your personal power?
For starters, when you have personal power, you believe you can deal with unpleasant situations. You recognize that you are human and that you experience fear from time to time, but you also believe in your ability to overcome obstacles on your own.
Being honest with yourself about your needs, weaknesses, and desires is an important part of reclaiming your personal power. You must become comfortable sharing your feelings and opinions. It’s fine if expressing these leads some people to leave you. Those who care about you will value your feelings and thoughts even if they disagree with them. Accept that you can’t influence or manage how others feel about you, and that you may experience rejection and criticism occasionally.
Reclaiming your masculinity goes hand in hand with reclaiming your personal power. To various men, being a man means different things, and it’s your responsibility to figure out what that means to you.
Embracing your masculinity entails forming strong bonds with other men and seeking a mentor, particularly if you don’t have a father. There’s no reason to feel bad about engaging in hobbies and connections that bring you joy.
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StoryShot #2: Have Higher Standards and Don’t Accept Second-Hand Behavior
If you are too nice to people, somebody will take advantage of you. Both men and women take advantage of guys who try to be amiable all the time. So, what do you do to stop this from happening? The answer is to have higher standards for how people should treat you.
For example, imagine you’re with a group of friends. One of these friends makes a joke about you, and everyone starts laughing. Banter is a natural part of male friendship groups, so it is normal. Consider if your friend kept making jokes about you every time you saw each other. In this case, these jokes have gone from being lighthearted and fun to outright disrespectful. At this time, it is time to say something to him about it.
So, to stop being too nice, you have to set high standards for yourself and others’ behaviors. If the girl you like is always playing hard to get, you need to know your limit. If she persistently falls below your high standards, you should cut her off immediately. Apply these standards to all areas of your life. Never tolerate any behavior that crosses the line or disrespects you.
StoryShot #3: Speak With Conviction
One of the fastest ways to tell if a man is too nice is to pay close attention to how he says something. A man who’s too nice tends to speak with little conviction or with no personality. He wants to avoid hurting your feelings or any conflicts, so he will say what you want to hear instead of what he really believes.
Speaking with conviction is a powerful way of demonstrating to other people that you know what you want. It also shows that you’re confident in what you say. So, when someone asks you something, make sure that your words show your conviction. It will be easier for the person on the other end of the conversation to listen and understand your point of view.
If you want to speak with conviction, here are the four things you need to control:
- Keep your voice at an even volume.
- Keep it at a steady pace.
- Avoid shouting.
- Don’t talk over people.
StoryShot #4: Stop Agreeing So Much
Agreeing with someone is an easy thing to do. We all do it subconsciously, but every so often, it isn’t the most helpful thing for your wellbeing. Studies show that people perceive those who always agree with others as less intelligent and less confident.
If you’re the man who always agrees with people, simply practice disagreeing with other people on purpose. You can start that by disagreeing with people about little things. For example, if you enjoyed a movie and your friend didn’t, you should challenge them and try to understand why they think it was disappointing. Ask them what points they were disappointed by and come up with counter-arguments to the points you disagree with.
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StoryShot #5: Tracking Your Good Deeds Leads to Resentment and Anger
Tracking your good deeds is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. This can be one of the most significant sources of frustration for nice men.
Nice Guys will do something pleasant for someone, especially girls, and then keep track of that deed. This deed is one of the hundreds of other nice things they have done for people. Nice Guys will then secretly expect something in return. The attractive girl that a Nice Guy is trying to impress is not keeping track of these deeds.
Tracking good deeds can be the cause of many problems for Nice Men. Anger is a common emotion associated with giving good deeds without people reciprocating. It is also common for Nice Guys to start to resent those who do not repay their good deeds. This feeling of being indebted is not healthy and will only lead to negative emotions. Dr. Glover does not recommend you avoid good deeds. Do a good deed and then move on. You can enjoy the good deed at that moment, but you should not look back and use that as evidence for being indebted.
Give without expecting something in return.
StoryShot #6: Don’t Hold Back
Nice Guys hold back despite their urge to say something. The foundation of this is that Nice Guys find conflict and people not liking them scary. They also dislike showing who they are to people. So, they filter their thoughts and keep quiet when they want to say something.
Holding back is a massive problem because avoiding expression and your true self will mean others will never actually know who you are.
A man who doesn’t hold back is much more of a man than one who is afraid to rock the boat. Fewer people might like the man who doesn’t hold back, but they will like him for whom he really is.
If you want to say something, then say it. If you want to do something, then do it. Don’t be afraid of what others will think of you, and don’t let this fear hold you back from simply being you.
StoryShot #7: Stop Fearing Confrontation
Many guys allow girls, and other men, to walk all over them. They allow others to verbally control and dominate them because they are so scared of confrontation. Imagine a bully in school who picks on a smaller child because he’s skinny and weak. What if, one day, the kid finally stands up to him and fights back? The bully in school constantly searches for the easiest targets. The skinny child in school is weaker and will likely be targeted. Being courageous enough to stand up to the bully will put them off. This courage makes this child a slightly more challenging target. The bully will move on to another Nice Guy.
Once you start embracing confrontation, you will realize it’s not that scary at all. Even if it’s something as simple as not agreeing with other people’s opinions, you are confronting fear.
Embracing confrontation will make you feel more like a man than ever. Each time you engage in confrontation, you will build your confidence in who you are. Not to mention, you are making yourself a more attractive man overall.
StoryShot #8: Make Your Needs a Priority
Realize that only you are responsible for meeting your needs. Stop blaming and start acting. Be assertive about your needs, and get rid of any hidden agendas.
Never be a wimp and never act like a victim. It helps if you are thankful for difficult situations. These circumstances are the ones that present a chance to grow as a person and learn for future circumstances.
Express your feelings, face your fears, set boundaries, and develop integrity. Don’t try to control uncontrollable things. Some circumstances will be too challenging or time-consuming to control, so you must be willing to walk away from circumstances and people. Don’t try to make an unhealthy relationship work. End it and find somebody more suitable for you.
StoryShot #9: The Importance of Boundaries
The common theme throughout this book is the importance of boundaries. If you are a recovering Nice Guy, this might be the most critical factor for you. Boundaries are particularly relevant when considering your relationships with women.
Nice Guys often believe that not having boundaries, being overly tolerant, and accepting everything their partner does is a beneficial strategy for a relationship. Nice Guys often learn the hard way that this isn’t true.
You will need boundaries to strengthen the relationship. It is a need for you and your partner that can strengthen the relationship for both sides. Boundaries equal respect, and women desire a partner who sets boundaries. So, incorporating boundaries into your life will create personal respect and improve your chances of developing a healthy romantic relationship.
StoryShot #10: Choose a Partner Who Doesn’t Need Considerable Support
Dr. Robert Glover provides multiple tips on romantic relationships in this book. These tips cover the categories of sexuality and women.
Robert recommends you focus on the relationship, not the partner. Ask yourself: How does the relationship meet my needs? Is the relationship healthy? Can we learn from the struggles we encounter together? (NEEDS WORK) Use your boundaries to stop your partner from engaging in undesirable patterns of behavior.
One of the common mistakes made by Nice Guys is to choose a partner who needs considerable support. These partners often need help and want somebody to fix their lives for them. Nice Guys are attracted to problems and want to fix their partners. These relationships will allow him to show the world what a good boyfriend or husband he is. The motivation behind this is always the approval of others. Suppose you have been in an unhealthy relationship. In that case, you will know that this often stems from one partner seeking the approval of others.
StoryShot #11: Choosing the Right Sex Mindset
When it comes to sex, you will also have to change your mindset. This is easier said than done, but using the following guidelines can help you re-orient back to the best approach. Use these tips to improve your chances of becoming an integrated male:
- Get rid of shame and fear about being sexual.
- Get your needs met: quantity and quality.
- Get comfortable being pleasured and ask for it.
- Never avoid conflict because you are scared to lose a sexual opportunity.
- Get rid of porn.
No More Mr Nice Guy Final Summary and Review
Glover’s premise is that childhood and society have conditioned Nice Guys to act the way they do. They have been told that they will only be successful if they make everyone happy and don’t produce conflict. That said, this desire for approval results in self-loathing. In other words, nice guys want approval but don’t think they deserve it. This creates internal frustration since nice guys never try to obtain what they want in life.
The Nice Guy’s desire to obtain approval from everyone (especially women) can cause him to behave in unnice ways. These behaviors include dishonesty (about themselves) and passive-aggressive behavior (being unavailable, forgetting, being late, or not following through).
Dr. Glover’s prescription involves encouraging Nice Guys to recognize that their needs and desires are essential. To make others happy, they must first learn to make themselves happy. One of the best ways to seek happiness is to learn to embrace and develop your masculine traits instead of fearing and suppressing them.
No More Mr Nice Guy Quotes
“List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.” Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear.” – Dr. Robert Glover
“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.” – Dr. Robert Glover
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